Sipping Tea w' Golden Kobi

Sipping Tea w' Golden Kobi

Lessons I am learning from my Golden Retriever Kobi

Along with his Side Kick...Little Guy Oscar

Fuzzy Days

We call them fuzzy days...the kind of day where you don't get up 'til after noon, eat all your food in bed, and never bath before 3:30...or perhaps not at all.  

I make the critical decision to rise from bed at 4:30 and draw a bath. The water feels warm, cleansing.  My body doesn't seem to want to move today...a part of the detox I assume...but regardless it's frustrating...at times my body just freezes up and moving becomes an extraordinary effort.  

As I rinse shampoo from my hair, the doorbell rings...Kobi and Oscar are up barking in an instant.  Fortunately it's Sunday so Ron answers the door.  I hear voices...a young female drones some sales pitch recitation...her dolcit tones drowned out by Golden Kobi and Little Guy Oscar who guard their territory with great ferocity, barking away, full tilt.

The soap just won't wash clean from my hair...what's going on down there? I dunk under the tub water swishing my head from side to side...finally my hair is squeeky clean and shampoo free...I slowly turn around and step from the shower tub grabbing a towel...it seems to take forever to dry off but somehow I manage more quickly than normal motivated by the downstairs noisy activity...it can be so frustrating to attempt moving quickly...I have visions of never fully completing any activity as they all take so long...

As soon as I think the thought I wipe the visual picture of being slow from my mind. Seeing my life and movement with positive eyes is an imperative in order to continue my healing process...

Towel covered, I run to the bedroom past shuddered windows and sneak a peak.  A middle aged woman in pressed jeans and yellow t-shirt stands next to our gate watching a young perhaps ten year old girl all dressed up in Girl Scout greens talking to Ron...

And the dogs continue their dolcit tones howeling away...

I've watched Kobi over these past few years as he, from time to time, struggles with his hip displatia. 

But he's always ready to protect the front of the house...when he hears an unfamiliar sound, he's up in a shot, ready to protect.  It is his purpose, his joy and desire to be of service.  And he likes his bark...it's full of variety...with at least a three octave range.

Purpose is such a motivating force.  It keeps Kobi young as he feels a sense of reposibility.  I wonder at times whether he had been trained as a service dog as when I am home alone, Kobi is right there, at my thigh, never leaving my side.

Ron heads for his wallet on the dining room table.  He forgot about the dogs who now breach the front door's threshold wagging their tales sniffing the little Girl Scout's box of sample cookies.  I guess they're not that commited to their guarding job...expecially when cookies are potentially involved...

"Hey Guys...come on"  Ron always seems to get the boys to behave...they move back into the hallway waiting for their sample.  Ron exchanges money for two boxes...sweet...I head back to bed all clean and now in a fresh oversized t-shirt. Golden Kobi and Little Guy Oscar run up the stairs jumping onto the bed claiming their fuzzy day spots.  They look up at me reminding me to embrace these simple magical moments.

"You want milk with your cookies?"  "Please" Who cares if I'm slower than the average bear? I snuggle under the covers happily waiting for food to magically arrive...yet another perfect fuzzy day...

Zen Circling Duo

Rain poured down...I closed the car door behind me...in an instant I was soaked.  The boys were already barking and howling their greeting..."Mom you're home!!!...Hurry up and get in here!!!"  "I'll be there in just a minute boys..."  The rain created rapids over my feet.   It actually felt really nice.  Sometimes after treatment my feet swell for a few hours so the cold rain was a wonderful salve.

The boys continued their chant-like barking as I struggled to handle my huge green bag of the most recent supplements that just might contain the magic bullet to help heal my neurological symptoms.  I slowly headed to the front door spying Golden Kobi and Little Guy Oscar peering through the dining room window ready to give me lots of love.

I shuffled my feet, then slowly walked with a very short stride then finally extended my stride to an almost normal one...now the next phase...stand up straight while walking with a normal stride...back still stiff but I've actually made it to the door...phew...key in, turn...Kobi howls away...damn...the key sticks...I have to pee...bad...everything feels slower with my misfiring brain...GOTTA PEE!!! 

The door finally opens and I am completely covered in dog...such joy!!! I rush towards the bathroom but my Golden Kobi cuts me off at the bathroom door.  He is my guide, my protector, making sure I'm always safe before entering a room, going to bed, or peeing.  The only problem is he sometimes stops me from completing my action...and this time he's delayed my toilet needs and I've already begun to leak...big time...yet another symptom of my lack of neurologic control over my body.

After cleaning myself, then the floor, then picking up my vitamins that have spilled all over, I head toward the kitchen where Little Guy and Golden Kobi are sitting patiently next to the counter where their treats are kept in a jar by the faucet.  I give them a cookie then head toward the couch where both of them have already found their favorite locations.

I missed my chance to grab a sweet spot on the couch...so I squeezed in between the boys and pretended comfort.  Golden Kobi looked up at me with his usual compassionate gaze but he wasn't about to give up his spot...no way.

So we all sat there watching the boob tube...Little Guy asleep and Golden Boy somewhat awake and in constant adjustment.  You see Kobi has hip dysplasia and at times this causes him to lay down for a bit but then every so often he'll rise and circle sometimes more than a dozen times until he finds just the right spot.  And today he seemed to be particularly active.  But he never complained.  He'd simply rise, circle and lay down again.  And every once in awhile he'd give a big golden sigh...

With my condition I always seem to be impatient and expecting different results.  I'll shake, rattle and role from one position to another never sinking in and resting.  My Golden Boy stays in the flow.  He doesn't give up his spot but remains constant doing what he needs to do to make himself comfortable.

I continued to watch his pattern for staying comfortable and with each passing moment I began to sink into the couch more and more at peace, less and less shaky.  We were the Zen Circling Duo...Kobi on the outer, me on the inner...

Kobi looked up at me, sighed then extended his paw to my leg as if to say "It's OK...you'll get the hang of it"...and with that I sighed becoming just a bit more at peace with myself...a bit less judgemental...

I wonder what's on the tube tonight?  And with that thought I picked up the tv changer and began to surf the stations...funny...I'm not tremoring anymore...

Faith, Grace, Surrender, Love

Golden Kobi lies in wait.  Centered in the front entryway knowing beyond all knowing his Dad will soon be home.  How he can tell time is beyond me but somehow when the clock ticks five p.m., Kobisan is there waiting.  His faith is beyond all bounds. The joyous arrival will take place sometime very soon.

I descend the stairs, Little Guy Oscar following at my heals...Kobi looks up at me not bothering to rise...he might miss the favored arrival moment.  Oscar goes to his side and begins cleaning Kobisan's face.  He closes his eyes poised to receive Oscar's baptismal face licking...now not only is he in the perfect spot but he'll be clean for Dad as well.  Oscar plops to the floor now assisting via face cleansing in the anticipated arrival.  There is no doubt for either of them as this ritual is a five day a week event.

My rituals seem to flow with less ease and certainly less faith.  Almost every morning I find myself side tracking the ascent to my meditation sanctuary.  It's always there waiting for me, always alive with bright energy but somehow I find myself finding every other task that must be accomplished before hand.  Where's my grace?

It's sitting with my two favorite hounds who are laying down in the entryway still waiting for Dad to open the front door...all I have to do is put one foot in front of the other and head up the stairs to meditate...all that is required is my ability to surrender.

Golden Kobi looks up at me, turns over to one side exposing his belly.  His paw reaches out for my ankle..."Pet my tummy as long as we're all waiting here"...So not only is my beloved Golden Boy laying in wait with complete and utter faith, graced with the knowing his father will be home any time now, and surrendered to the process...but he's soliciting love from his mother in the mean time. 

All I have to do is have faith my meditations will be of value, grace myself with a cup of tea as I surrender sitting at my altar and loving my experience.  In other words all I have to do is get my sweet ass up the stairs to our Sanctuary, close my eyes and turn within...

I move into the kitchen to prepare dinner when the oh so specific barks of "Dad's Home" crash through the silence.  "OK guys...how about a cookie?"  And before Ron can get to the kitchen the boys are faithfully sitting by the cookie jar gracefully surrendering to the love Dad pours over them with a sweet little treat...

All I have to do is get my sweet ass up the stairs, close my eyes and turn within.

"Faith is the Path

Grace is the Bridge

Surrender is the Gate

Love is the Garden"

                                                                 ---Kristina Sanborn

Muddy Paws

Fog...every morning, lots and lots of fog...weird time of year for it but there it is...thick, dripping, volumness fog...

Our usual early morning ritual...4:00 a.m. walk...return home, open the door to the backyard and fix breakfast while the kids run around digging in the way too muddy soil from all the fog.

I heat the water for tea while Ron lays down the breakfast bowls...the boys enhale their food almost instantly

Kobi finishing his breakfast first, hears some way to high pitched sound and off he goes...disappearing somewhere deep in the yard...Little Guy Oscar following close behind.  Suddenly Kobi reappears digging in his favorite muc pie near the front of the winter flower bed currently devoid of color.  He looks up at me then returns in an instant back to his favorite hole.  I watch as he wrestles with the muddy brown mush thoroughly engrossed...nothing but all too wet air and a hole filled with dirty brown muck waiting to be once again folded into an even greater hole of dirty brown muck.

Then just in the nick of time Oscar, the four legged Boy Wonder appears jumping into the hole with both front paws assisting our hero Bat Dog.  And, as if on cue, the two look up at me for an instant but with their task yet to be completed they return to their dirt digging duty. 

If only I could dive that easily into the darker sides of my muck and mire. As I approach my underlying emotional turmoil over my now not so recent diagnosis of Parkinson's, I rise to the surface and push my front paws out of my hole, pretending the personal dispair has moved to a distant planet far, far away. 

Once again Golden Kobi, our Bat Dog extraordinaire raises his head out of the dirt with a moustache and beard full of dripping muddy goo. He wags his tail joyously, urging me to dig in..."Come on Mom...it's so much fun getting down and dirty"...

I ponder..."Am I ready?"..."Can I go that deep?"..."Am I willing to dig in and let everything surface as it needs to?"

Little Guy Oscar, the Dog Wonder, leaps effortlessly out of the hole tracking mud through the kitchen...I grab a wet rag and head to my knees cleaning up the remnants of his dirt digging...Golden Boy follows close behind almost step for step on the same trail as the Little Guy...all my cleaning for naught...ah well...

So I wipe up the second set of muccy paws...but now surrendered to the fact that there will always be messes to clean...there will always be a hole filled with mud awaiting my excavation and when I throw my front paws into the fray, keeping a light heart will go a long way towards making the clean up that much easier...

Returning to our morning ritual, Ron and I take our tea back to the bedroom to sip while watching the KTLA Morning News...Kobi and Oscar join us soon after with newly black stained muddy paws...our bed covers become magical works of art ala Jackson Pollack...up Ron gets to grab a wet wrag. wash the paws, wipe down the covers then climb back into bed to finish sipping our tea with Golden Kobi and Little Guy Oscar.

 

Devotion Filled

Golden Kobi lay curled into a ball right on top of my feet...emotting loving kindness, joy, contentment...my mind was set on household business, household idiocy. He let out a big sigh relaxing even more deeply, forever sweet.  I was stuck in monkey mind unable to feel his love.

The day was filled with people coming in and out...the doorbell would ring and off Golden Boy would go alerting Little Guy Oscar that it was time to guard. The two would run to the front door barking away, noisily protecting.  It was driving me nuts. But it was their way of caring for me. Through their care they practiced devotion.  I continued with my impatience, they continued their protective barking. Every five minutes they were up making sure I would be forever safe.  I thought the top of my head was going to blow like some looney toon's cartoon character.

Kobi was back snuggling atop my feet.  He looked up at me with loving eyes.  Hi sense of fullfillment so intense he had to move and rose to get a toy out of his basket of goodies, sniffing each de-stuffed carcass until he found just the right one.  It was his squeeky shoe.  Perfect...a day of quiet?  I don't think so. The Golden Boy circled perhaps a dozen times finally dropping to his favorite curl position and began squeeking his shoe...

Between a few or not so few squeeks he would look upon me with pure devotion which only renewed his commitment to further squeeking...I could see him sinking into deep meditation through his sounding of the squeeky shoe.

"Squeek, squeek, squeek"...like the melodic rhythm of temple bells announcing the break of day...only more shrill...Kobisan's devotional squeeky shoe gained intensity filling him with divine madness, divine worship...gazing up into my eyes he would find ever deepening wells of love...I shone as Ma, Kobi as my devotee...

A flash from the not to distant past...I'm at my altar, attempting to practice...itching to rise from my all too scrunched cross legged seat. The altar is messy, filled with incense ash and yesterday's puja flowers.  I ring a bell circling above the contents ....over and over again I obsessively ring the bell hoping, praying Ma will respond, that I will have a pure sign of her caring for me.  I light a fresh incense, I ring the bell, I begin a new mantra...nothing seems to calm my obsessive ways...I remain titilated, frustrated...still, somehow the light begins to penetrate...and although I am oblivious to even my own surrender, I somehow sink into Mother's waiting arms and begin to breath, relaxing into the moment...

Kobi drops the shoe from his mouth, silence insues.  He lays his head down with a deep sigh...looking up at me I can see his genuine sense of satisfaction, of fullness...I didn't give him anything.  I didn't pet him, hug him, or even throw his slobbery toy carcass...but he was full regardless...he dove beneath my irritation and recognized my deep, abiding love for him...I am his Ma and he loves me in all ways...through his devotional practice of squeeky shoe, he found his way to an even greater sense of joy and fullfilment.

Can I offer the same to the Divine Mother?  Can I worship her and love her regardless of whether I experience her response to me? 

Oscar shoots out of the room clicking his little claws on the hard wood floor as he runs into the bedroom.  He stops.  Silence.  Kobi lifts his head in alert status listening for the Little Guy.  He's up, running down the hall towards the bedroom...now two sets of clicking claws are heard, and rough house growling.  The doorbell rings, more barking...another round of protecting "Ma".

After soaking up a bit of energy with their joyful rough housing, Kobi and Oscar are filled...Mother's children are always moving, changing, delighting in the dance of life...and when they stay present, in the moment, they know, without any doubt, they are being held in Mother's arms.

Time to squeek my rubber shoe over the altar of Ma who is forever loving me no matter what kind of bell I ring.

Kobi returns to my side dropping his squeeky shoe at my feet. His eyes meet mine and cocking his head in that special way of his, I can see his devotion-filled heart...Oscar sweeps into the room grabbing the squeeky shoe and heads down the hall...Kobi's up in a breath rushing after the little guy...playful growling sounds alight as the squeeky shoe spreads it's magic through the house once again.

Kobi's First Poem

Sleeping on cool floors past midnight's call

Sounds of night's reverie invade my dreams

I awaken taken by the television's droning voices

And rise to walk the halls for predators

I stealthly retrace my nightly steps

The television's noise fades away

As I walk down the hall

And step into Mom's office filled with soft rugs

And smells of past incense burning

Unable to resist, I lay down 

And fall lazily into dreamtime once more

Another night of light-filled wanderings

 

A Golden Kobi Save...

Sometimes words fill my mind and I can't shake them...mostly when this happens I move on, blocking the flow...I am working to change that, to take a spare moment and turn it into thoughtful presence...I wanted to block this one...stop it...then just as I was preparing to turn off the computer, Golden Kobi runs up the stairs, paws my lap, kisses my hand...it becomes perfectly clear what my next move must be...take the risk to share...

Icicles frame every window

Closed doors swallow rooms whole and wide

Creation breeds weary travelers 

While roses bloom sweetening the divide

Precious dreams ramble dancing in moonscapes

Countless souls whisper weeping all the while

Worship chokes scriptures as shadow's sunlight

Forms weary footsteps trudging mile after mile

I shake wanting more from love's yearnings

I prey when all seasons pass me by

I wander and weep and tread lightly

When all that I desire is to cry 

Following the Path of Least Resistance

Monday, 4:00 a.m....the alarm sounds it's call.  Golden Boy Kobi and Little Guy Oscar are up and off the bed in less than half a second...I've always wondered how dogs do that...go from a dead sleep to the deepest alert status without a breath...how do they do that?  Ron and I slowly throw off our covers and...Kobi's back on the bed kissing Ron's face, encouraging him to rise and shine..."I can't get up when you're on top of me Kobi!!!"  He wrestles with the Kobmyster, turning him on his back...time for a bit of tummy love...yum.  

Oscar sounds the call..."Stop Playing!!!  It's time to smell and poop and run and smell and poop..."  His bark shrill and loud...very loud...so for the sake of our neighbor's sleep, we follow our four-legged drill sargeant's commands and finish dressing for the walk...

"OK that's enough!" Kobi does one final toss of his hips to help him roll onto his belly...and he's off the bed...I'm still creeping into early morning workout clothes.  Oscar's checking in, smelling us all to make sure we're prepared for this most exciting new morning adventure.

You would never guess our Golden Boy has hip dysplacia...especially if he's in his joy of running and playing ball...but after the walk he usually takes a little time out for a nap.  So I've learned that after the walk and breakfast, we come up to the bed and rest for awhile. He follows the needs of his creation...and also doesn't dramatize...he simply honors his body where it is and stays present.

And off we go on our 4:00 a.m. walking adventure...

I had a bit of a melt down this past week.  I found my exhaustion level had risen to red alert status and my tremors were moving through me fast...I rushed into the future, seeing myself on a scooter driving down the ailes of some annonymous grocery store...this fate could be nothing further from the truth but it's where I put myself by indentifying with my fear.

It's a stunning morning...cloudless with a more than usual amount of stars as the moon has slipped from view...having just completed his first morning constitution, Kobi waited for me to pick up the poop which I happily did...afterall I am the poop carrier...:)  The Golden Boy looks up at me with adoring eyes "See you just did it...you were living in the moment..."

I had indeed forgotten my fears, my pain...my poop carrying responsibility far outweighed my fears and phobias...?)

I walk behind the boys...they dart from right to left with an occasional block or two of sprinting...a bit too dizzying for me so I stay behind, content, practicing to walk with my hips leading me blissfully forward with ease.  Truth be told this is a discipline to remember...at times I find myself crouching forward like an old crone but not this morning...I'm living the Vida Loca, in the moment, free of pain, hips thrusting forward, swinging my arms with ease...all tension has left my back and I'm moving sinuously, sensual, easy...

And while executing this "in-the-moment" practice, I discovered something...my right hand is the one that twitches the most...what if I just let it twitch away and while letting the hand do what it wants to do, I began seeing the neuro pathways join together with the nerves down the spine, to the second chakra...survival, control..."Let the Hand do what it wants Kristina...breath"...the right arm was just rattling and rolling away.  Then within an instant, the right hand stopped twitching and began moving and rotating in odd, rubbery-like ways...contorting this way and that...fingers splaying wide and long then all at once contracting into a tight little ball.  The hand would completely relax and rest just swinging back and forth.. more tremors would surface...surrender, allow, allow, allow...and the whole process would repeat itself...

That allow part...the part where you let the body inform you of how it wants to move...relaxing into the breath, into the present, moving from the womb...there was a relaxation that would rise everytime I gave in to the messages rather than trying to control them...and each time I felt the reconnecting of the pathways...every single time.

The boys sprinted forward expressing their own joy of movement.  And I, content to walk more slowly behind, whispering Ganesh's mantra to myself, found more and more ease through the walk...more and more freedom...

And now I lay on the bed, Golden Kobi at my side, waiting for the first breath of daylight...time to embrace the Gayatri (invocation to the light)...contentment fills the spaces in between...sweet reverie, blessings, peace...Jai Ma

 

 

Gratitude Fills the Room

Early morning awakens...Golden Kobi, Little Guy Oscar and I are all feeling just a little lazy. We lay in bed, piled atop one another enjoying the five a.m. quiet. We hear an occasional sprinkler turn on then off but other than that, silence. Our breathing slows, our need for external stimulation releases and we rest in the silence of the moment.

Gratitude fills the room and we breath...the boys teaching me to be more present...Golden Boy lets out a huge sigh then returns to his rhythmic breathing...deep yet gentle.

I find my mind rushing forward into what needs to be accomplished today and the Little Guy raises his head, looking straight at me as if to say "No getting up yet Mom...no disturbing the pack please"...his head returns to my leg and he's out.

I ponder then condemn my constant self talk...my rushing forward in my mind...and realize the first step is to stop judging myself...if I feel the need to rush forward into the day then I should rush forward until that little game of energy wasting is played out...but still...

Kobi adjusts his cuddle zone, opting for a bit of space...he lifts his head, takes a moment to smell his behind...a little "toot", then it's time to rest his head again...pure pleasure at being in the body...

What if I followed my body's inclinations? Whatever my body desires is where I will experience my day...time to hit the John...now that's definitely an experience of being in my body's desire...

As if knowing where my body needs to be next, Kobi and Oscar jump from the bed and find a place on the floor to lay their heads...and just as the early morning light brightens, a small group of parrots descend from the sky landing in our trees screeching their little song of joy...

Oscar begins scratching behind his ear, Kobi lets out little barks as he dreams away and I'm up heading for the bathroom...

Gratitude once again fills the room...

Beckoning Now

Golden Kobi lays across the floor sleeping tenderly, completely surrendered yet still protecting his tennis ball in the crook of his neck...Little Guy Oscar moves from his favorite place on the couch to the Spanish-tiled hearth of the fireplace.  He collapses with a clud immediately falling into dreams aplenty.

It's midday, we're up in Idyllwild for the week-end and I couldn't think of a better place to lay down my head and enter the dream time.  Yet thoughts still churn away leaving me with little sleep.  I watch as Kobi and Oscar so easily slip into gentle nap time. I yearn for their facility...  

Time has a way of folding in on itself.  At first we believe we have all the time in the world and before we know it we're doing our damndest to run backwards hoping to catch just a glimpse of yesterday's glories.  But running backwards we loose consciousness, we compromise grace, we forget the wisdom we so diligently gained through life experience.  As I step forward into my future I discover compassion and love, I play with anticipation, and breath in every moment of life.  I dance and breath, celebrate and wonder...

What would happen if I lived in the future rather than the past?...If I stepped into the giant being I know I am?...Breathing life into tomorrow and pulling it into today while leaving behind yesterday? Only essence from the past would join me in the future...joy, wisdom, love, compassion...all this and more from the simple act of living, of being...of experiencing this...now...this thing we call "life"...

I watch as Kobi's whiskers, his handlebar moustache twitch, each side of his face moving completely independent from one another, suggesting his dream is one of pure curiosity...

Kobi awakens suddenly, ears perked, eyes focused on the porch just past the screen door...a squirrel sits beyond Kobi's reach, wringing his little paws, twitching his own whiskers...he looks square into Kobi's eyes...there is no fear...he knows there's a tree within a foot or so and he'll be up and gone before Kobi can get the screen door opened...He makes that scriggly squirrel noise, challenging Kobi to a dual....

In a flash Kobi is up, raming through the screen door but the squirrel is already up and gone, ascending the great pine anchored just past the porch.  The adventure came and went in a flash...the little drama played itself out completely in the present...

Present time so easy to muse but so challenging to live in...yet pure joy when we're in it.

I dream of tender lives
Where stories traverse the gateways of light
I suckle, scream, demand more
Creeping past this side of midnight
Where wombs careen, cajole, ring out
Tears caress my face
Echoing sonnets yet to be heard
I open my arms in this void of silence
Creeping past wounds from another time
I lay down yesterday
Fables, impressions step light
Gently remembering the night
Holding caution delicately hidden
While moons circle wide
Beaming across the sky

Light enters my heart and the world becons me into her embrace...becons me into now...